Boundaries and Burnout

Dear Marlo: I loved your course. my question is: What if your boss is one of those that constantly exhorts the lawyers to give more, give more, never quit; don't whine and who constantly reminds us that disagreement with him is always wrong, a form of denial, and is a weaknesss?

When a boss constantly pushes “give more, never quit, don’t whine” and treats disagreement as weakness, the issue is rarely about effort. It’s about power, control, and boundaries. From a boundaries perspective, the goal is not to change the boss’s personality. The goal is to define what you will and will not absorb. 1. Separate commitment from self-sacrifice A leader who equates disagreement with weakness is often trying to create total loyalty, not healthy performance. A boundary perspective says: Commitment = doing excellent work, meeting deadlines, owning results. Self-sacrifice = tolerating disrespect, endless availability, or intellectual conformity. Those are not the same thing. You can be fully committed without surrendering your judgment or well-being. 2. Disagreement is not insubordination Healthy organizations rely on lawyers precisely because they spot risk and challenge assumptions. If disagreement is framed as denial or weakness, a boundary becomes: My role is to give my professional judgment even when it differs from yours. That means calmly stating your view, documenting it if necessary, and not internalizing the accusation that dissent equals failure. 3. Refuse the emotional framing Leaders like this often use language that turns professional debate into a moral test (“toughness,” “loyalty,” “not whining”). A boundary is to stay in the professional lane: “Here’s the legal risk as I see it.” “Here’s the recommendation I’m comfortable standing behind.” “If you want to proceed differently, I’ll document the decision.” You don’t fight the rhetoric, you decline to participate in it. 4. Define your limits around capacity “Give more” can become an endless request. Boundaries sound like: “I can deliver X by Friday. If Y is also a priority, something else will need to move.” “I’m at capacity with the current matters. Which one should take priority?” You’re not refusing work. You’re refusing the illusion that capacity is infinite. 5. Protect your internal narrative The most damaging part of environments like this is when people begin to believe: “Maybe I am weak.” “Maybe pushing back means I’m failing.” Boundaries mean recognizing: The boss’s leadership style is not a measure of your worth or professionalism. 6. Decide strategically, not emotionally Once you see the pattern clearly, you have choices: Adapt: manage up, document risk, conserve energy. Contain: do the job well without buying into the culture. Exit: decide the environment isn’t aligned with how you want to practice law. A boundary is ultimately a decision about how much of yourself you’re willing to give to a system that won’t change. Consider hiring an executive coach or therapist (depending on your needs) to help you in these moments and decide what you want to do. The journey is yours, Marlo